Tag Archive | Winter Jefferson

My Heartbreak – A Meme

People look at you strange when you call someone friend and they know you’ve never stood in the same building with them, physically that is. How can you be close to someone yet never actually laid eyes on them or touched them? It happens and fortunately I don’t need to explain myself on this blog when I say last Friday morning as I was half asleep waiting for my dog to do his business while scrolling through Plurk I damn near stroked out. Someone. Hurt. My. Friend. I won’t go into all the things that went through my head because that’s not what this particular blog post is about… However.. Mister “You know who you are” You are damn lucky.. lucky I say..

Anywho, “The” Lord Jefferson, best friend of Strawberry Signh sent out a call to “Berry’s friends, fellow bloggers and little chickens” (I am a little chicken by the way. That’s what he calls the folks he likes. It’s what I tell myself when I get an email from him anyways) asking them to rally together to offer support to our beloved Berry in a time of need. He is asking us to share our lowest points, how we recovered and who was there to help. I am going to do my very best to formulate this in a manner that comes across clearly. I cannot make any promises but I will try my best. Also, I may ramble..

My dearest Berryface,

It goes without saying that heartbreak comes in many shapes and sizes. I’ve spent the day trying to come up with the words I would write here. Trying desperately to find a glimmer of brilliance that could be pieced together in a way that would be helpful. When our hearts are broken we always feel as if at that moment it is the worst pain ever. So, when I look over my life and try to pinpoint my “lowest point” or when my heart has been broken the worst I have several things that have hurt and all of them have been awful. I’ve lost two brothers that I loved dearly, relationships, friendships.. but.. my heart is in the mist if a break at the moment and I am quite low myself. So all I can think to share is my current state and how I am dealing with it.

You might remember, I am a few weeks away from being six months in remission from uterine cancer. When you enter into remission people congratulate you. They smile, hug you  and begin to celebrate for you. Yay! they say.. You’re better! Well no, not really. Remission doesn’t mean you’re okay. It simply means you’re okay for right now. It’s not a matter of if it will come back it’s a matter of when. I promised myself that day that I’d not live in fear of the what if and I am extremely sad to report that I have broken that promise. It has pretty much consumed me but not in the manner you’d expect.

heartbreakI am Celtic Pagan and to us our ability to fashion life is one of our greatest gifts from the Goddess. When I was first diagnosed all I cared about was fighting to preserve my gift. I didn’t care what I had to endure. Take my sight, take my right arm.. take anything you want from me just don’t take my ability to create life. It would have been a simple fix, no one in my life understood why I refused to simply have it removed. Instead I ignored them and went through 13 months of painful procedures and hormone therapy. The treatments worked, obviously and here I am a quarter of the way down the road to the ultimate “end goal” which is to have the go ahead to try for a baby. (Not that I even have anyone that I like enough to procreate with mind you. But whatev’s right?)

Problem is this remission situation plagues me. Different types of cancer feed off different things. Hormone therapy worked for me because my cancer “fed” off estrogen. So in essence we starved it by blocking me from producing estrogen and injecting me with insane levels of progesterone. (Side note on low points: You know you’re at one when you’re trying to decide which procedure is more important when you can only afford one right this minute; real life lolas or laser hair removal. effin hormones) So two years of clean scans docs say it’s all gone BAM go forth and procreate! But, wait.. our bodies go into over drive producing estrogen when we’re pregnant. If there’s even a tiny bit left in there that was missed it could kill me…

The basic premise here is that my Goddess has decided that it is time for me to pass into the stage of the Crone and I am fighting it. Well, holding out I’d say. I am still hoping that I am going to wake up one morning and have all the worry gone and simply just “know” that everything is fine. It isn’t going to. Anyone that is close to me knows that I spend a lot of time in my own head and that I am my own worst enemy. My heart is broken. Why has my Goddess taken my gift? I know I haven’t always been the best person or made the best choices but have I really been this awful of a person? Is there no redemption for me? Is there nothing I can do for forgiveness? This will continue to plague me until I finally accept it and just have it removed.

My cancer never breached the uterine wall so if I have it removed I will not have to worry about coming out of remission. But then I’ll never see the smile on my future husbands face when I tell him we’re pregnant. That real smile of happiness, not because he has to or because it’s the right thing to do but because he is genuinely happy that we’ve created life. I’ll never lay in the bed next to him and watch in amazement as a tiny foot or hand moves across my belly. I’ll never get to endure little alien jokes about my belly, because of course my future husband will be sarcastic. He would be married to me he would have to be to survive.

I am having a terrible time coming to terms with many things in my life, the loss of my gift, the loss of love and the loss of the life I had envisioned for myself. Most days I am okay. I can handle one of the issues surfacing, it’s only when they collide that I wig out. Thankfully I have figured out that collisions only happen when my mind is left to it’s own devices.

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What has kept me sane through all of this? Work, lots of it, my Second Life kids and a very few good friends. I literally work from the time I wake up till the time I go to sleep most days. If I am working I can’t think about it and if I can’t think about it I won’t cry. Thankfully Monica Outlander and Editorial Clarity came to my rescue and enabled me to fill in a whole lot of sudden free space in my life. Miamai and Love To Decorate keep my First Life downtime very minimal. They didn’t even know that I needed them yet were placed in my path at the perfect time.

My Second Life kids have got to be some of the most patient human beings ever placed on the face of this planet. I have often looked back over the past year of my life and envisioned them speaking to each other saying, “She’s doing it again, it’s your turn.” “No, you.” “No.. YOU!” During my treatments and the height of my “crazy period” (that’s hormone crazy) I suffered the end of a long term relationship that shook me pretty badly. I am certain that it would have effected me if I weren’t jacked full of crazy juice but with my hormones all over the place I was a total basket case. My kids would listen to me cry for hours. They’d talk to me for hours. Distract me in any way they could. Text back and forth with me while I was at first life work just to keep me from crying so I could finish out my day. They even stood by me and watched me make some really awful choices, fall on my bum, pick me up and dust me off.

ThanksgivingThose little avatars are the virtual representations of some of the kindest hearts that have ever graced the face of this planet. (minus one kid don’t get jealous okay?) They’ve never judged me, have always been there and have never once made me feel like anything less than the most loved person on the planet. And bless their hearts they still do. In Second Life they are my kids but honestly they have grown to be my closest friends. I am still far from okay with a great many things. My heart is broken for so many reasons it is almost too daunting to try to figure out which section to piece back together first. They are still there, standing beside me along with a very small handful of supportive people I trust with the pieces.

I don’t know Berry. This was supposed to give you hope and help inspire you through some great revelation I have experienced. Unfortunately the only thing I can offer is something I’m fairly certain you’re already aware of. You’re too smart not to be. The little things help. Giggles and games from my Second Life kids, hugs from Monica and Lyrical, the occasional email addressed to a chicken. Very small things create small smiles that break up the tears. I hope that one day while smiling you’ll forget to go back to crying. It’ll happen eventually. It certainly doesn’t feel like it now though, I know.

We’ve never met in the flesh, probably never will but my soul loves yours. You’re a beautiful, smart, talented, witty and funny soul. You have no idea how many times you’ve been that little smile for me. Thank you for being you! Please don’t ever change.

On Shae:

Dress: Junbug – Stellata Peasant iMaternity – Blue

Hair: Exile – Perfect Promise – Blacks

Skin & Appliers: Belleza – Shyla – Mocha

Mesh Hands: Slink – Mesh Hands – Casual

Pose 1: Eternity

Pose 2: Del May

On Myself and my Kids in the family picture:

ALL THE THINGS FROM ALL THE PLACES!

 

 

Cause I can’t get it through customs…

For those of you who follow me on Plurk you know that quite often I post pictures and recipes as I am cooking. My good friend Winter and I were having a conversation last week about what I was planning on cooking this Wednesday night. You see, every Wednesday night myself and a slew of my girlfriends pile into my house, drink loads of mascato, eat dinner and have a great time. Every week it alternates who cooks. My friends rearranged the entire schedule of cooking so I would have the Wednesday after Thanksgiving because that means… Turkey Pot Pies. Winter immediately announced that they have no such thing in Australia and demanded promptly that I make one and send it to him. Pretty stinking impossible of a demand.. FRIEND. So, the next best thing I can do is a very DETAILED recipe for him so he can make one himself! If he can find a turkey in Australia… do they have them there? I don’t think wombat pot pie would taste quite the same.

The Ingredients:

For the crust:

2 2/3 cup flour

2 tablespoons sugar

1 1/4 teaspoon salt

2 1/4 stick butter (Thats REAL butter folks!)

1/2 cup ice water

For the filling:

2 tablespoons butter

1 onion, chopped

2 carrots, chopped

6 tablespoons parsley, fresh and chopped

1 tablespoon oregano, fresh and chopped

2 cups chicken stock

2 potatos cubes

1 1/2 cup precooked turkey chopped

3 tablespoons flour

1/2 cup milk

Okay! Here comes the pictures! Cause we all know guys do better with pictures! Keep in mind I was making SIX pot pies and the above ingredients are only for one. So if it looks like I have a WHOLE lot of stuff going on… it’s cause I had a WHOLE lot of stuff going on!

First.. chop up your veggies

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Add the flour, sugar, and salt into a bowl and mix that around. Drop the pieces of butter in like so.. (the butter has to be soft, seriously) and make sure it’s REAL butter. None of that filthy margarine stuffs..

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Using a pastry knife or a fork will work smoosh, yes.. I said SMOOSH the butter pieces into the flour mixture. You’ll see them start to form little balls like this!

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Eventually, all the flour mixture will blend in together and you’ll have a whole bunch of lumps. This is where the ice water comes in. And listen to me when I say this. Ice. Water. I dont know why it doesn’t work with room temperature water I just know it doesn’t.

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See! ICE water. It’s important! Anywho, sprinkle the water into the mixture while forking it around the bowl. (I said forking, I know.) Eventually after a few rounds of that you’ll get this!

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Woo! Fancy! Time to roll it out! Do I need to explain this? It’s pretty simple. Split it in half though. You’ll need the other half for the top part of the crust.

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Before putting into the pie pan I like to roll the crust up like so.. but some people have the talent to just pick it up and go. I am not one of those people.

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Now this is gonna be a little embarrassing but I am gonna bust myself out because this is going to happen to you. My first run is always awful. I never add enough water and it just falls apart on me. Then I end up piecing it together because well.. it’s the bottom and no one is gonna see it anyways!

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See? I fail at life. But the good news is it gets easier! And I don’t fail at it ALL the time! See!

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Trim off the edges and set it to the side. Time to start cooking the filling! Make sure you preheat your oven to 425 degrees, I have no idea how you guys do it in other parts of the world so just do your own conversions! In a pan add the butter. I also throw a little garlic into mine because.. welp.. Italian… I can’t help it!

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Add all the veggies except the potatos and add the spices. I add salt and pepper to mine but a lot of people like to leave it out so I didnt add it to the list above.

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When all of the onions and celery turn clear add the chicken stock and potatos.

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You’re gonna want to let this boil until the potatos and carrots are soft but still firm. But while this is happening chop up the turkey!

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Are your potatos and carrots soft? Great! Now it’s RUE time! Now the rue is serious business. ALL this work will be for nothing if you mess up the rue so pay attention! Are you paying attention? Undivided attention? mmkay.. butter.. throw some in a pan. Remember I am making SIX pies so don’t toss a whole stick in like me. Just two or three tablespoons.

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After it melts add the turkey

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Let the turkey cook in there for a few minutes so it’ll come up to temperature. Then add in the flour. Sprinkle the flour!

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You’re gonna have to let this cook for a few minutes. It’s tricky to know when it’s done. I’ve no idea actually how I do it, I just know. If you add the milk in too soon it stops the flour from cooking and then it tastes chalky and that’s no fun. Anywho, don’t add the milk too soon! It’ll be BAD and you’ll mess up the rue and mess up the whole pie! Don’t suck at life!

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When this is done add it to the veggie mixture. Then immediately remove it from the heat. It’s gonna start to thicken almost instantly and I don’t want you to burn it. So as soon as you stir it in just remove it.

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Now add the mixture to your pie crust. Make sure you leave room at the top. If you don’t it’ll over flow.

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Sprinkle more of the ice water over the remaining half of the crust to moisten it back up. And repeat from above.

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See! It gets easier as you do it.. and this is the part everyone sees so if you screw this up ball it all back up and start over. You probably haven’t added enough ice water. Dont try to piece this mess together. I say nay nay to ugly pie crusts! Oh, and don’t forget to slice in some vents in the top.

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Bake for an hour or until the crust is a pretty golden brown. Then remove from the over and let it settle for ten minutes before cutting it open!

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And before any of you say anything about me not making a pretty or decorative ring with the crust.. My name is Shae Sixpence not freaking Better Crocker! I was making six of these blasted things. Ain’t no body got time for all that mess!

I forgot to take a picture of a piece on a plate for you because I got ran out of the kitchen my a horde of people screaming “POT PIE” but I was able to snap the last two pieces that were left in the very last pie before someone snatched them up.

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So, there ya go. My pot pies. It was hell trying to manage three different pots while taking pictures so I hope you’re happy Jefferson! And Lyrical I am sorry I lied to you and didn’t post last night. I was worn out and welp.. mascato…

Disclaimer: If you aren’t on my Plurk there is probably a very good reason for it. But please don’t flood me with Plurk friend requests if I don’t know you. My Plurk timeline is extremely small and I like it that way. If you’ve never said a word to me in our SLife I am probably going to ignore it. That mess is what Facebook is for! Happy Holidays!

Smile they say..

This is my happy face.. is it working? Yeah, I didn’t think so. But it’s the effort that counts right? The next three days are going to be torture for me and as always I will have to force myself to smile. I wish there was a smiling HUD for real life. When ever you couldn’t bring yourself to smile when you absolutely have to just reach into your pocket and push a button. BAM! Instant smile. Unfortunately there isn’t and unfortunately I am one of those people who cannot mask what they are feeling in real life. My face gives me away all the time. So, over the next three days I am going to have to work extra hard on not showing signs of terror, sadness, worry, desperate hope and dread. It’s going to be hard and stressful so if you happen to think about it I’d certainly appreciate any extra energy you’d like to send towards the general area of the southeastern United States.

Happy Face

 

Onto other business… The Arcade turned me into a person I was not very happy with this weekend. If it wasn’t so unlady like I’d tell all of you what I did but it’s rather embarrassing.. I kind of lost control of my crazy and I may or may not have told a few people that I hated them.. when I really don’t. It was just the pressure.. the damn Miamai Rare Unicorn! I am obsessed and I still haven’t gotten it. And it certainly doesn’t help that a Vampire, a very specific Vampire keeps rubbing his possession of said Rare Unicorn in my face. I’ll get you Winter Jefferson, and your little dog too!

I did however manage to get the D!va hair that I wanted, in the color that I wanted on the third shot which was rather nice. It’s no Miamai Rare Unicorn.. but.. okay who am I kidding. It doesn’t help. I want the bloody unicorn! *huffs*

 

P.S. Amita, I’m sorry you had to see me in such a state. I appreciate your efforts while trying to help me get through such a rough time.

Sunny, Thanks for the comic relief while I crashed.. over and over and over again.

Monica, Thanks for not thinking I am a loon and seeing the humor in my temporary loss of crazy.

Winter, I loathe you.. with every fiber of my being… I… loathe… you…

On Shae:

Hair: D!va Hair – Giz Type A – Onyx (The Arcade)

Shirt: Erratic – Amy Silk Blouse – Pink

Skin: Belleza – Shyla – Mocha

Earrings: RealEvil Industries – Liana

Eyes: MADesigns – Mirrors – Vanity (Photoshop enhanced)

Eyelashes: Maxi Gossamer – Party – Inverted Crown

Eyeliner: Glam Affair – Couture Eyeliner no 02

Teeth: PXL Creations – Open Mouth HUD