Tag Archive | Exile

My Heartbreak – A Meme

People look at you strange when you call someone friend and they know you’ve never stood in the same building with them, physically that is. How can you be close to someone yet never actually laid eyes on them or touched them? It happens and fortunately I don’t need to explain myself on this blog when I say last Friday morning as I was half asleep waiting for my dog to do his business while scrolling through Plurk I damn near stroked out. Someone. Hurt. My. Friend. I won’t go into all the things that went through my head because that’s not what this particular blog post is about… However.. Mister “You know who you are” You are damn lucky.. lucky I say..

Anywho, “The” Lord Jefferson, best friend of Strawberry Signh sent out a call to “Berry’s friends, fellow bloggers and little chickens” (I am a little chicken by the way. That’s what he calls the folks he likes. It’s what I tell myself when I get an email from him anyways) asking them to rally together to offer support to our beloved Berry in a time of need. He is asking us to share our lowest points, how we recovered and who was there to help. I am going to do my very best to formulate this in a manner that comes across clearly. I cannot make any promises but I will try my best. Also, I may ramble..

My dearest Berryface,

It goes without saying that heartbreak comes in many shapes and sizes. I’ve spent the day trying to come up with the words I would write here. Trying desperately to find a glimmer of brilliance that could be pieced together in a way that would be helpful. When our hearts are broken we always feel as if at that moment it is the worst pain ever. So, when I look over my life and try to pinpoint my “lowest point” or when my heart has been broken the worst I have several things that have hurt and all of them have been awful. I’ve lost two brothers that I loved dearly, relationships, friendships.. but.. my heart is in the mist if a break at the moment and I am quite low myself. So all I can think to share is my current state and how I am dealing with it.

You might remember, I am a few weeks away from being six months in remission from uterine cancer. When you enter into remission people congratulate you. They smile, hug you  and begin to celebrate for you. Yay! they say.. You’re better! Well no, not really. Remission doesn’t mean you’re okay. It simply means you’re okay for right now. It’s not a matter of if it will come back it’s a matter of when. I promised myself that day that I’d not live in fear of the what if and I am extremely sad to report that I have broken that promise. It has pretty much consumed me but not in the manner you’d expect.

heartbreakI am Celtic Pagan and to us our ability to fashion life is one of our greatest gifts from the Goddess. When I was first diagnosed all I cared about was fighting to preserve my gift. I didn’t care what I had to endure. Take my sight, take my right arm.. take anything you want from me just don’t take my ability to create life. It would have been a simple fix, no one in my life understood why I refused to simply have it removed. Instead I ignored them and went through 13 months of painful procedures and hormone therapy. The treatments worked, obviously and here I am a quarter of the way down the road to the ultimate “end goal” which is to have the go ahead to try for a baby. (Not that I even have anyone that I like enough to procreate with mind you. But whatev’s right?)

Problem is this remission situation plagues me. Different types of cancer feed off different things. Hormone therapy worked for me because my cancer “fed” off estrogen. So in essence we starved it by blocking me from producing estrogen and injecting me with insane levels of progesterone. (Side note on low points: You know you’re at one when you’re trying to decide which procedure is more important when you can only afford one right this minute; real life lolas or laser hair removal. effin hormones) So two years of clean scans docs say it’s all gone BAM go forth and procreate! But, wait.. our bodies go into over drive producing estrogen when we’re pregnant. If there’s even a tiny bit left in there that was missed it could kill me…

The basic premise here is that my Goddess has decided that it is time for me to pass into the stage of the Crone and I am fighting it. Well, holding out I’d say. I am still hoping that I am going to wake up one morning and have all the worry gone and simply just “know” that everything is fine. It isn’t going to. Anyone that is close to me knows that I spend a lot of time in my own head and that I am my own worst enemy. My heart is broken. Why has my Goddess taken my gift? I know I haven’t always been the best person or made the best choices but have I really been this awful of a person? Is there no redemption for me? Is there nothing I can do for forgiveness? This will continue to plague me until I finally accept it and just have it removed.

My cancer never breached the uterine wall so if I have it removed I will not have to worry about coming out of remission. But then I’ll never see the smile on my future husbands face when I tell him we’re pregnant. That real smile of happiness, not because he has to or because it’s the right thing to do but because he is genuinely happy that we’ve created life. I’ll never lay in the bed next to him and watch in amazement as a tiny foot or hand moves across my belly. I’ll never get to endure little alien jokes about my belly, because of course my future husband will be sarcastic. He would be married to me he would have to be to survive.

I am having a terrible time coming to terms with many things in my life, the loss of my gift, the loss of love and the loss of the life I had envisioned for myself. Most days I am okay. I can handle one of the issues surfacing, it’s only when they collide that I wig out. Thankfully I have figured out that collisions only happen when my mind is left to it’s own devices.

heartbreak1

What has kept me sane through all of this? Work, lots of it, my Second Life kids and a very few good friends. I literally work from the time I wake up till the time I go to sleep most days. If I am working I can’t think about it and if I can’t think about it I won’t cry. Thankfully Monica Outlander and Editorial Clarity came to my rescue and enabled me to fill in a whole lot of sudden free space in my life. Miamai and Love To Decorate keep my First Life downtime very minimal. They didn’t even know that I needed them yet were placed in my path at the perfect time.

My Second Life kids have got to be some of the most patient human beings ever placed on the face of this planet. I have often looked back over the past year of my life and envisioned them speaking to each other saying, “She’s doing it again, it’s your turn.” “No, you.” “No.. YOU!” During my treatments and the height of my “crazy period” (that’s hormone crazy) I suffered the end of a long term relationship that shook me pretty badly. I am certain that it would have effected me if I weren’t jacked full of crazy juice but with my hormones all over the place I was a total basket case. My kids would listen to me cry for hours. They’d talk to me for hours. Distract me in any way they could. Text back and forth with me while I was at first life work just to keep me from crying so I could finish out my day. They even stood by me and watched me make some really awful choices, fall on my bum, pick me up and dust me off.

ThanksgivingThose little avatars are the virtual representations of some of the kindest hearts that have ever graced the face of this planet. (minus one kid don’t get jealous okay?) They’ve never judged me, have always been there and have never once made me feel like anything less than the most loved person on the planet. And bless their hearts they still do. In Second Life they are my kids but honestly they have grown to be my closest friends. I am still far from okay with a great many things. My heart is broken for so many reasons it is almost too daunting to try to figure out which section to piece back together first. They are still there, standing beside me along with a very small handful of supportive people I trust with the pieces.

I don’t know Berry. This was supposed to give you hope and help inspire you through some great revelation I have experienced. Unfortunately the only thing I can offer is something I’m fairly certain you’re already aware of. You’re too smart not to be. The little things help. Giggles and games from my Second Life kids, hugs from Monica and Lyrical, the occasional email addressed to a chicken. Very small things create small smiles that break up the tears. I hope that one day while smiling you’ll forget to go back to crying. It’ll happen eventually. It certainly doesn’t feel like it now though, I know.

We’ve never met in the flesh, probably never will but my soul loves yours. You’re a beautiful, smart, talented, witty and funny soul. You have no idea how many times you’ve been that little smile for me. Thank you for being you! Please don’t ever change.

On Shae:

Dress: Junbug – Stellata Peasant iMaternity – Blue

Hair: Exile – Perfect Promise – Blacks

Skin & Appliers: Belleza – Shyla – Mocha

Mesh Hands: Slink – Mesh Hands – Casual

Pose 1: Eternity

Pose 2: Del May

On Myself and my Kids in the family picture:

ALL THE THINGS FROM ALL THE PLACES!

 

 

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Have you met my azz?

Hello… have you met my new azz?

CuteAzzThese are just raw shots of the new “Cute Azz” that made it’s debut today at Luck Inc. The only thing I’ve done to these images is resized them. I figured it would be best for everyone to see everything properly that way without question!

CuteAzz1I’ve waited to see if CK Winx would come out with a smaller size version of the Phat Azz and I am so glad it’s finally here! I tried so hard to make the Phat Azz slide down to a proportion that looked good with my normal shape. Failed miserably each time. I loathe photoshopping my bum and hips.. but even more exciting for me is that now I won’t have to photoshop out knobby knees!

CuteAzz2This version is meant for zero body fat and belly fat. So a lot of the problems people were having or complaining about with the Phat Azz isn’t an issue with this one. Best of all, because it’s a Luck Inc product all of the Phat Azz appliers work for this version as well, like this lingerie set from Blacklace.

CuteAzz3 I am still working on my shorter shape trying to get the legs to a thickness that I’d like. This is my modeling shape which is extremely tall and thin. I will fully admit that I am not all that good with shapes but hopefully I’ll be able to figure it out. I am also having an issue with a gap between the legs of the Cute Azz and my Slink Feet. I’m not sure how to fix this or even if I can. If any of you veteran Phat Azz users had this issue and fixed it I would certainly appreciate a little help! But.. For now though.. I’m just gonna sit here and stare at my new azz..

On Shae:

Mesh Bootay: *L.inc* Cute Azz *New!*

Lingerie:  Blacklace – Diacentra – Coal Lace Clincher Set

Hair: Exile – Party Girl – Blacks

Skin & Appliers: Belleza – Shyla – Mocha

Hands: Slink – Mesh Hands – Casual

Silk Wraps: Dutchie (Given as a prop from many furniture pieces)

Poses: Del May

 

 

 

New from Miamai, Exile & LeLutka

I am totally behind on my blogging. I’ve been so busy with work both First Life and Second Life that I have hardly had time to sleep much less style and shoot pictures! Fortunately for me I was able to finally shoot these fabulous headdresses that were created by Monica Outlander as part of this years BlackLabel Collection today.

 

BL_HD

 

First up is Sian. One word comes to mind when I look at this headdress: Carnival! It’s only about six weeks away and you can bet I am going to be looking around the grid for the perfect items to pair with this piece for the festivities. If you didn’t know a lot of the Brazilian sims in Second Life celebrate and have their own carnivals. They are SO much fun so I highly suggest you visiting if you’re able to do so around that time. A lot of folks have issues finding hair to go under hats and items such as this one so allow me to introduce you to Travail, one of three new releases at LeLutka. Perfect  for situations like these with minimal effort needed.

 

BL_HD1

 

This is the Tatania who should actually be worn on your head and this is actually the back of the headdress but I like it so much I wanted to hold it! Tatania also has a sexy jump suit to match but I had a strange urge to remain naked so you’ll just have to suffer. Although being nearly naked in both this image and the image above allowed me to show off another new release from Miamai’s BlackLabel Collection called Ordoroe. This tattoo comes in three different colors, white and blue which are both shown and then black. The Tatania headdress comes in three different colors, white which is shown here and then pink and black.

 

BL_HD2

 

If you haven’t been to this round of Fameshed you need to do so as quickly as possible. These new eyes by IKON are seriously the greatest thing since sliced bread. They come in a bazillion colors and are super easy to size with the HUD. Also, Exile released new hair and I am totally in love with this one called Party Girl. Just so you know, I will not be judged if you see me three weeks from now still wearing this hair. It’s that awesome!

I hope all of you had a wonderful and safe holiday!

On Shae:

Picture One:

*Headdress: Miamai BlackLabel Collection – Sian *New*

Hair: Lelutka – Travail – Pitch *New*

*Tattoo: Miamai BlackLabel Collection – Ordoroe – Blue

Skin: Belleza – Shyla – Mocha

Makeup: MONS – Eyeshadow Burning – Blue

Eyes: IKON – Spectral Eyes – Clarity (Fameshed) *New*

Eyelashes: Mon Cheri – Falsies

Teeth: PXL Creations: Open Mouth HUD

Picture Two & Three:

*Headdress: Miamai BlackLabel Collection – Tatania – White *New*

Hair: Exile – Party Girl – Midnight

*Tattoo: Miamai BlackLabel Collection – Ordoroe – White *New*

Skin: Belleza – Shyla – Mocha

Eyes: IKON – Spectral Eyes – Clarity (Fameshed) *New*

Makeup: MONS – Eyeshadow Burning – Black

Eyelashes: Mon Cheri – Falsies

Teeth: PXL Creations: Open Mouth HUD

 

All poses by Del May

Slow down..

Slow Down

 

On Shae:

Hair: Exile – Pictures of You – Blacks *New*

Shirt: Erratic – Cary Double Tank – Pink/White

Jeans: DRIFT – Weekend Jeans

Shoes: GOS – Flip Flops + Barefeet

Skin& Appliers: Belleza – Shyla – Mocha

Hands: Slink – Mesh Hand Casual

Pose: Del May – Wishful Thinking

Sim Location: Glanduin

When I like it, I REALLY like it!

Those who know me know that when I like something I really, really like it! I know I blogged yesterday about the reopening of FR3SH but I just can’t help myself… I mean, I missed stuff! The FR3SH sim is so well done, you’ve honestly got to see it for yourself. All of you bloggers and photogs are going to have a blast there. It’s a shopping sim, as are most club sims however it’s done so well. It’s like it’s own little city. I spent about an hour today walking through the entire thing, peeking into every shop and buying.. lots of stuff! There’s pink panda high tops. PINK. PANDA. HIGH TOPS! Stay tuned for those.. yes, I’m serious.

 

Anywho, there’s a whole subway system on the sim with very well done billboards and ads all through them. There is so many places to take pictures I had a hard time deciding where to plop my pixels for just one. But I settled just outside the main entrance to the club. If you look in the background of the picture you can see a billboard above Legal Insanity’s shop on the sim. Imagine that, me landing somewhere that has a Legal Insanity satellite!

FR3SHH

 

The FR3SH bra that I am wearing, created by Mel Faulkwing of Banger Island Creations was one of the many give aways that was made for the club’s grand reopening yesterday by it’s sponsors. I’m not certain if it will be set up as a permanent give away but there is one similar in Mel’s shop on the sim, just without the FR3SH logo. Aside from Banger Island Creations you’ll find satellite shops for Legal Insanity, STEPDUB, Razorblade, D-Style, Hooligan Ink and Alterego which is where you’ll find pink panda high tops.. just sayin.. Pink… Panda.. High Tops.. *blinks* and many others.

It was a lot of fun to explore the sim it’s self. I’ve decided that my favorite feature would have to be all the drunken club girls who are randomly passed out all over the sim. They gave me a chuckle more than a few times! Take some time and go visit the sim. It’s filled will awesome, welcoming people. Just stay away from my corner on the dance floor. It’s easy to see cause I scribbled my name on it so don’t give me any excuses. It’s mine.. I peed on it so you wouldn’t want it anyways.

On Shae:

Hair: Exile – Fire To The Rain – Blacks

Skin: Belleza – Shyla – Mocha

Collar: Corvus – Spiked Black Mesh Choker

*Bra: Banger Island Creations – FR3SH Logo Spiked Top *FR3SH Grand Reopening Gift*

Tattoo: Para Designs – Shadows

Skirt: Blueberry – Leather Skirt – Dark Black

Bracelets: Mandala – Sinra2 Bracelet Set – Samurai Black

Teeth: PXL Creations – Open Mouth HUD

Pose: Manifeste

Location: FR3SH