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My Heartbreak – A Meme

People look at you strange when you call someone friend and they know you’ve never stood in the same building with them, physically that is. How can you be close to someone yet never actually laid eyes on them or touched them? It happens and fortunately I don’t need to explain myself on this blog when I say last Friday morning as I was half asleep waiting for my dog to do his business while scrolling through Plurk I damn near stroked out. Someone. Hurt. My. Friend. I won’t go into all the things that went through my head because that’s not what this particular blog post is about… However.. Mister “You know who you are” You are damn lucky.. lucky I say..

Anywho, “The” Lord Jefferson, best friend of Strawberry Signh sent out a call to “Berry’s friends, fellow bloggers and little chickens” (I am a little chicken by the way. That’s what he calls the folks he likes. It’s what I tell myself when I get an email from him anyways) asking them to rally together to offer support to our beloved Berry in a time of need. He is asking us to share our lowest points, how we recovered and who was there to help. I am going to do my very best to formulate this in a manner that comes across clearly. I cannot make any promises but I will try my best. Also, I may ramble..

My dearest Berryface,

It goes without saying that heartbreak comes in many shapes and sizes. I’ve spent the day trying to come up with the words I would write here. Trying desperately to find a glimmer of brilliance that could be pieced together in a way that would be helpful. When our hearts are broken we always feel as if at that moment it is the worst pain ever. So, when I look over my life and try to pinpoint my “lowest point” or when my heart has been broken the worst I have several things that have hurt and all of them have been awful. I’ve lost two brothers that I loved dearly, relationships, friendships.. but.. my heart is in the mist if a break at the moment and I am quite low myself. So all I can think to share is my current state and how I am dealing with it.

You might remember, I am a few weeks away from being six months in remission from uterine cancer. When you enter into remission people congratulate you. They smile, hug you  and begin to celebrate for you. Yay! they say.. You’re better! Well no, not really. Remission doesn’t mean you’re okay. It simply means you’re okay for right now. It’s not a matter of if it will come back it’s a matter of when. I promised myself that day that I’d not live in fear of the what if and I am extremely sad to report that I have broken that promise. It has pretty much consumed me but not in the manner you’d expect.

heartbreakI am Celtic Pagan and to us our ability to fashion life is one of our greatest gifts from the Goddess. When I was first diagnosed all I cared about was fighting to preserve my gift. I didn’t care what I had to endure. Take my sight, take my right arm.. take anything you want from me just don’t take my ability to create life. It would have been a simple fix, no one in my life understood why I refused to simply have it removed. Instead I ignored them and went through 13 months of painful procedures and hormone therapy. The treatments worked, obviously and here I am a quarter of the way down the road to the ultimate “end goal” which is to have the go ahead to try for a baby. (Not that I even have anyone that I like enough to procreate with mind you. But whatev’s right?)

Problem is this remission situation plagues me. Different types of cancer feed off different things. Hormone therapy worked for me because my cancer “fed” off estrogen. So in essence we starved it by blocking me from producing estrogen and injecting me with insane levels of progesterone. (Side note on low points: You know you’re at one when you’re trying to decide which procedure is more important when you can only afford one right this minute; real life lolas or laser hair removal. effin hormones) So two years of clean scans docs say it’s all gone BAM go forth and procreate! But, wait.. our bodies go into over drive producing estrogen when we’re pregnant. If there’s even a tiny bit left in there that was missed it could kill me…

The basic premise here is that my Goddess has decided that it is time for me to pass into the stage of the Crone and I am fighting it. Well, holding out I’d say. I am still hoping that I am going to wake up one morning and have all the worry gone and simply just “know” that everything is fine. It isn’t going to. Anyone that is close to me knows that I spend a lot of time in my own head and that I am my own worst enemy. My heart is broken. Why has my Goddess taken my gift? I know I haven’t always been the best person or made the best choices but have I really been this awful of a person? Is there no redemption for me? Is there nothing I can do for forgiveness? This will continue to plague me until I finally accept it and just have it removed.

My cancer never breached the uterine wall so if I have it removed I will not have to worry about coming out of remission. But then I’ll never see the smile on my future husbands face when I tell him we’re pregnant. That real smile of happiness, not because he has to or because it’s the right thing to do but because he is genuinely happy that we’ve created life. I’ll never lay in the bed next to him and watch in amazement as a tiny foot or hand moves across my belly. I’ll never get to endure little alien jokes about my belly, because of course my future husband will be sarcastic. He would be married to me he would have to be to survive.

I am having a terrible time coming to terms with many things in my life, the loss of my gift, the loss of love and the loss of the life I had envisioned for myself. Most days I am okay. I can handle one of the issues surfacing, it’s only when they collide that I wig out. Thankfully I have figured out that collisions only happen when my mind is left to it’s own devices.

heartbreak1

What has kept me sane through all of this? Work, lots of it, my Second Life kids and a very few good friends. I literally work from the time I wake up till the time I go to sleep most days. If I am working I can’t think about it and if I can’t think about it I won’t cry. Thankfully Monica Outlander and Editorial Clarity came to my rescue and enabled me to fill in a whole lot of sudden free space in my life. Miamai and Love To Decorate keep my First Life downtime very minimal. They didn’t even know that I needed them yet were placed in my path at the perfect time.

My Second Life kids have got to be some of the most patient human beings ever placed on the face of this planet. I have often looked back over the past year of my life and envisioned them speaking to each other saying, “She’s doing it again, it’s your turn.” “No, you.” “No.. YOU!” During my treatments and the height of my “crazy period” (that’s hormone crazy) I suffered the end of a long term relationship that shook me pretty badly. I am certain that it would have effected me if I weren’t jacked full of crazy juice but with my hormones all over the place I was a total basket case. My kids would listen to me cry for hours. They’d talk to me for hours. Distract me in any way they could. Text back and forth with me while I was at first life work just to keep me from crying so I could finish out my day. They even stood by me and watched me make some really awful choices, fall on my bum, pick me up and dust me off.

ThanksgivingThose little avatars are the virtual representations of some of the kindest hearts that have ever graced the face of this planet. (minus one kid don’t get jealous okay?) They’ve never judged me, have always been there and have never once made me feel like anything less than the most loved person on the planet. And bless their hearts they still do. In Second Life they are my kids but honestly they have grown to be my closest friends. I am still far from okay with a great many things. My heart is broken for so many reasons it is almost too daunting to try to figure out which section to piece back together first. They are still there, standing beside me along with a very small handful of supportive people I trust with the pieces.

I don’t know Berry. This was supposed to give you hope and help inspire you through some great revelation I have experienced. Unfortunately the only thing I can offer is something I’m fairly certain you’re already aware of. You’re too smart not to be. The little things help. Giggles and games from my Second Life kids, hugs from Monica and Lyrical, the occasional email addressed to a chicken. Very small things create small smiles that break up the tears. I hope that one day while smiling you’ll forget to go back to crying. It’ll happen eventually. It certainly doesn’t feel like it now though, I know.

We’ve never met in the flesh, probably never will but my soul loves yours. You’re a beautiful, smart, talented, witty and funny soul. You have no idea how many times you’ve been that little smile for me. Thank you for being you! Please don’t ever change.

On Shae:

Dress: Junbug – Stellata Peasant iMaternity – Blue

Hair: Exile – Perfect Promise – Blacks

Skin & Appliers: Belleza – Shyla – Mocha

Mesh Hands: Slink – Mesh Hands – Casual

Pose 1: Eternity

Pose 2: Del May

On Myself and my Kids in the family picture:

ALL THE THINGS FROM ALL THE PLACES!

 

 

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Berry’s Monday Meme

So Berry’s Monday Meme this week was to have someone else interview you. When I read her blog post I immediately decided that the first person’s name I saw on Plurk I’d ask to do the meme with me. Opened Plurk and WHAM! Bouncer Criss! Well, okay.. I don’t really know him at all. Seen him around on Plurk, he likes my ass it’s quite obvious.. maybe he will say yes… Thankfully he did and we decided to take pictures of each other too!

It was nice getting to hang out with him in pixel form for a little while. I think us not really knowing each other brought a little awkwardness to the situation though. At least it did for me. I am shy (yes! I am no one ever believes me) so when I don’t know someone I am not my normal joking and cutting up self. Lucky for me he tolerated me. Thanks again for saying yes Bouncer!

Shae by B(The picture Bouncer took of me! He didn’t yuck up my nose! He can follow instructions ladies!)

What follows is the interview Bouncer gave me. As you can see, he wasted no time getting down to business.

So Shae, why haven’t we done a naked picture before today?

Shae Sixpence tilts her head curiously to the side, “Well, this escalated rather quickly. I suppose because you’ve never asked me?”

 

 haha, thought I’d break the ice. Ok, serious now. This is the first time we’ve met in world, we have been Plurk friends for a while. What makes you tick when it comes to blogging? What’s your inspiration?

Various things inspire me. There was a time in my SLife when I “had” to blog out of obligation and that unfortunately caused a lot of burn out for me. It’s about the art for me not really the blog. The blog is just my way to go back over time and remember. Random things inspire me. Could be a necklace or a new pair of shoes.. mostly music though.

 

Do you have a certain style you lean towards? Are you more couture, casual? What do you consider “Shae’s Style”

I don’t do well with casual at all. I am more glitter and diamonds than anything. I try my very best to challenge myself but I always end up dressed up like a princess in the end. If I am not overly formal I am normally dressed in what people would consider business clothing. It’s how I dress in my first life so it carries over.

 

I can totally understand that, I am like that a lot. I tend to wear a lot of jeans and shirts in real life, so it kind of carries over to Second Life.

Jeans and a T-shirt is about the only thing I can do casual! Oh, and flippies. Us beach girls can do flippies.

 

Flippies? Is that what you southern girls call them?

I don’t like the way “flip flop” sounds coming out of my mouth. Don’t judge me. It’s far too early in our relationship for that.

 

I know from seeing convo’s in Plurk that you used to model. Did you start blogging before or after you did the modeling thing?

After, my ex-parter blogged on a consistent basis so I started blogging with him.

 

Since I know you’re a southerner, did you run out and buy your bread, eggs, and milk because of the snow tomorrow?

Shae Sixpence purses her lips together, “As a matter a fact I did along with all the fixins for crock pot beef stew that I’ll throw in tomorrow before I go to work.. a really big pot.. in case I have to rough it without power.. you know..”

 

Haha, I bought bread for grill cheese, that was the extent of my shopping.

And while you are suffering with only grilled cheese to eat know that I’ll be only a few hours south feasting. Cause it’s how I roll during disastrous times.

 

Wax or shave? Landing strip or nothing? j/k

Didn’t we have a Plurk conversation about this before? I’m almost certain we did.

 

We may have, but these conversations happen on Plurk so much, I forget who is shaved and who isn’t.

Oh, the woes of being Mister Bouncer Criss..

 

So what do you like to do around Second LIfe when you’re not playing dress up and blogging?

Blogging is actually what takes up the least of my time in Second Life. I have two jobs in Second Life, one being the CMO for Miamai and the other being the Senior Editor for Love To Decorate – The Magazine. Both keep me pretty busy. If I am in world I am normally doing something with one of them or both at the same time. When I am not working I spend time with my kids and I really enjoy exploring sims.

 

That’s awesome, and sounds pretty hectic.  One last question, cause I can’t think of anything else to ask, to busy drooling over your avi. If you could change 1 thing about Second Life, what would it be?

As in improvement wise?

 

Anything, what would be one thing that would make Shae more happy in Second Life?

I’d say the way the skeleton works or how the avatar moves. I’m not very smart when it comes to the terms used for it or what exactly it’s called but I seriously dislike how poses distort our bodies. I can lift my hand above my head without my shoulder going out of whack, my avatar should be able to as well.

 

I  totally agree, and wonky elbows.

And bums.. for the love of my bum!

Eespecially bums.

Shae Sixpence grins.

 

Gracias Shae, I appreciate you taking the time for the interview!

Bouncer Criss says cut.

Shae Sixpence snickers, “Yay!”

You can see the questions I asked Bouncer and the photo I took of him here!

On Shae:

Hair: Truth Hair – Junia – Black and Whites *New*

Skin: Belleza – Shyla – Mocha

Shirt: Lil’Lace – Tuck Blouse & Corset – White

Jewelry: Yummy – Pearl Whisp Set – Silver *New* (Collabor88)

Eyeshadow: MONS – Black Eyeliner Series

Eyelashes: Mon Cheri – Falsies

Eyes: IKON – Spectral Eyes – Clarity

Pose: Manifeste

 

Second Life Helpful Tools Meme

Hooorrraaaay! I am gonna do a Berry Meme!  The meme this week is for everyone to screenshot the huds that make their every day Second Lives better. So.. Here is mine!

hudscreenshotOn the left I have what I have seen a lot of today, the Anypose hud. I only use it for my eyes and use it constantly. I am extremely vain and hate my eyes blinking so as soon as I land somewhere I normally hit the center view one to fix my eyes. I also have a weird fear in Second Life ever since I became Miss Brazil in Miss Virtual World.. You NEVER know when people are gonna take pictures of you. I had one too many images snapped of me with my eyes all wonky. I say, nay nay.

In the center, I dont know if it’s considered a hud but I panic without the camera controls out.

On the right up top is my Henmations dance hud. Anyone who knows me knows that I am dancing most of the time in Second Life. Working, styling, decorating, feeding my fish.. it doesnt matter. I dance A LOT and it’s always there.

Below my dance hud is my Pose Anywhere hud by Essential Soul. Steven Dean gifted me this years ago and I love it. Its easy to load.. just drop the new poses in and bam. No notecards to fuss with, no mess and easy clean up! When I am doing group shots I wear multiples of this hud to pose everyone.

Below that, again I don’t know if it should be mentioned but it’s obvious that I am a Phoenix user. That little button all the way over on the bottom right hand side saves me SO much time. You can also customize it, as with most things in Phoenix to have your favorite or most changed preferences there with one click. In instances when I have to switch to the Official Viewer this is the feature I miss the most.

And then below that is my AO. I have no idea where it’s from. Editing it and going to the LM the creator has in their profile does NOT take me to the store I remember seeing when I was testing out AOs. I have never, ever been able to remember how to get to this dang store. Downfalls of divorce and being a creature of habit. You’re constantly reminded that your exhusband was your memory data bank!

Anywho, those be my huds! Suppose I should say what I’m wearing huh? ALL THE NEW THINGS! Joking.. here..

On Shae:

Hair: Truth – Esperanza – Black & Whites *New*

Unicorn Horn: PANIK – Magic Unicorn – Show *New* (Project Limited)

*Shirt – Legal Insanity – Missy T-Shirt – BA-ZN-GA – Petroil *New*

*Pants – Legal Insanity – Debby Cargo Pants – Beige *New*

Skin: Belleza – Shyla – Mocha

Eyes: IKON – Spectral Eyes – Clarity

Pose: From that AO place that I can’t remember the name of. Sorry Japanese folk! I love you! Really!

 

Berry’s Monday Meme..

Strawberry Singh’s Monday Meme has had me cracking up all day long. The basic jist of the challenge is to take memes we all see and convert them into Second Life-ish memes. I’ve seen some pretty funny ones today. Here is mine!

slmeme

 

If you haven’t got Berry on your blog feeders you should seriously consider it. I look forward to her blog on the regular but Monday’s are always quite interesting!

On Shae:

Hair: D!va – Tina – Onyx (Collabor88) *New!*

*Shades: Legal Insanity – Gael Sunglasses – Silver

Necklace: RealEvil Industries – LUX Alma – Necklace A

Skin: Belleza – Shyla – Mocha

Top: Maitreya – Dakota Dress – Graphic Print

Furniture in the back: *Iconic* nostalgia (Chapter Four Event Gatcha)