Remission and Farewell

A couple months ago Strawberry Singh posted her Monday Meme as she does every Monday. It’s topic was Second Life Bucket Lists. While this entry isn’t about that the idea came from one of her items, Poppin’s Challenge. I had never heard of it before reading her blog that day. That day, I decided that when my doctors finally told me that my cancer was in remission I would do Poppin’s Challenge. It would be a grand day of celebration…  Then Wednesday morning I walked into work, grabbed my coffee, sat down at my desk and opened Plurk like I do every morning.  And there it was, Squinternet Larnia’s light had moved to it’s next life.

I knew Squinternet, I had worked with her on a few projects. I had the honor on more than a few occasions to model for her brand. I’ve been a fan of her work and a loyal customer for my entire Second Life. Squinternet’s soul is a creative, beautiful one that I feel certain has passed through each of her lives. I believe that her humor, wit, artistic creativity and beauty will travel with her to her next life.

Poppins_Challenge

(Special thanks to Damien, the creator behind O.M.E.N for helping me so quickly with the jewels in the picture above.) 

She came into my Second Life and my heart through her art. I had planned in my brain an extremely elaborate farewell image. It seemed fitting, saying farewell through my own art. I spent hours arranging a set and shooting but in the end I simply couldn’t. The visions in my brain refused to translate to my Wacom despite my best efforts.

Saying farewell is an extremely hard thing to do. Everyone needs to do it in their own way and within their own time. Thankfully she left behind one heck of a legacy. Each of us who own one of her creations holds a piece of her. I know I’ll never forget her and I’ll always be thankful that she found her way to Second Life. My personal Second Life has been a better one in part because of her and her art.

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Remission doesn’t quite feel like I thought it would. 14 months ago when I was diagnosed with uterine cancer I seriously felt like the earth stopped spinning for a brief moment.  The word cancer is scary no matter who you are. For me, as a Celtic Pagan my specific type of cancer was devastating. Fashioning life within our person is one of our greatest gifts and it was being taken away from me. I do not have children yet so I couldn’t accept it, I wouldn’t accept it. Take my sight, take my right arm.. take what you want from me just please leave my gift in tact.

The past 13 months of my life has been one hell of a roller coaster . I didn’t think it was ever going to end. Today I was told that it was the end. No more injections, no more procedures, no mountain of pills to take twice a day and a 73% chance to conceive. (I am still confused as to how they actually came up with this percentage) I am supposed to be happy, right? I should be bursting with happiness.  Yet, I’m not.

I’ve only told two people (of the real life variety) about my news. One being my hair stylist of 15 years who I saw this afternoon. Bless that man’s heart he was far too good to me and my hair through the process. I can’t tell you how many times he met me at the salon after hours just to wash and style my hair while I cried. The other being my housemate who took care of me after every single treatment I had. She gave up countless weekends of fun with friends and life in general to lay in bed with me and watch tv, in fact I’ll be surprised if she’ll ever watch reality TV again. She made sure I ate, made sure I was fed and comfortable the best she can. I am blessed to of had such wonderful, caring people in my life.

When my hair stylist (aka the Wizard) asked me why I wasn’t happier I simply responded, “I don’t know. It’s just remission. It doesn’t mean it’s gone gone. It just means I am better for now.” He said something that threw me into one of “those moments”, you know the kind.. The one’s that alter your thought process on life in such a way that you actually notice the moment that it happens. He said, “Shae, you can’t wake up every day waiting for it to come back. You have to wake up every day as if it never happened.”

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My thoughts immediately drifted to Squinternet and how hard she worked to live her life the best way she could despite knowing what was written for her life’s path. I am going to take a page from her life and use it within my own. I am going to force myself to push the fear behind me.  Tomorrow morning I’ll be going sky diving with my real life house mate. We made the plans a few weeks ago after my last scans in hopes of celebrating a remission. I also thought it would be pretty cool to do a real life version (some what) of Poppin’s Challenge.

Tomorrow I am going to leave all of my fear in the plane, for good. I am not going to allow a what if to control me. I kicked cancer’s ass once, if it comes back I can do it again.

Thank you Squinternet. Thank you for your art. Thank you for showing us how to celebrate life. You’ve impacted my life, you’ve changed me and you’ve helped me.

On Shae:

Skin & Appliers: Belleza – Shyla – Mocha

Hair: Eaters Coma – Hair 19 – Noir

Feet: Gos Boutique – Barefeet Arched

Hands: Slink – Avatar Enhancement Hands – Casual

Shoot Location: Forest of Iceni

Hot Air Balloon: Sways – Hot Air Balloon – Rainbow

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5 thoughts on “Remission and Farewell

  1. Wow, I had no idea you went through so much. I have even more admiration and respect for you and your hair stylist is right, you have to wake up each day and go on as if it never happened. I know you’re such a strong person and you’ll get through it all. ❤ Good luck and have fun tomorrow!!!

  2. Shae, what a powerful and personal part of your life to share. It really touched me and your Wizard is so smart to give you words to really see the here and now and to live in the present. This was absolutely beautiful, thank you.

  3. Pingback: My Heartbreak – A Meme | What's that over there?

  4. Pingback: My Heartbreak – A Meme (Post-19258) 19259 Old London Docks

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